Title: Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar

From: 31A

Date: 11/18/2010

Decision: Accept with minor revisions

Dear Author,

Congratulations! We have decided to accept your manuscript to be published on Commonplace with minor revisions. The case you made that men should have more say in regards to abortion was persuasive and well supported. It adequately fulfils the three requirements of Commonplace since it is timely, relevant and compelling. One reviewer remarks “the argument is timely because this is an ongoing issue that mostly pertains to young adults”. Your refreshingly unique viewpoint on abortion makes the manuscript compelling to the Commonplace audience.

One of the best aspects to your manuscript is your conversational and headstrong tone. It helps you, as the author, to build a relationship with your audience. As a result, your manuscript is easy and interesting to read. For example in the last paragraph you state, “Men, you must challenge the government to live up to the word of our founding fathers. The quote is not ‘all men are created equal sometimes’ or ‘all men are created equal depending on what the issue is,’ but instead, ‘all men are created equal’. That is the bottom line, period.” Your directness mixed with your slight sarcasm makes your point difficult to ignore.

Although there are many good aspects to your manuscript, there are some possible improvements that could be made. We suggest that you are consistent with the language you use. You use formal syntax in the beginning of your paper, while towards the end of the manuscript the word choice becomes much more relaxed and casual. For example in the second paragraph you ask, “Therefore, why is it that the women has the only say in the unborn child’s destiny? And by determining the outcome of the fetus’s life, she then gains control of her partner’s life and liberty” while in the fourth paragraph you state, “…but she tells you between kisses that everything will be okay cause she has been tested and is also on birth control”. These two examples show a dramatic contrast in style. Formal words such as “therefore” do not flow with informal words such as “cause”. We suggest you choose between the two writing styles and use it throughout your entire manuscript.

Lastly, we think that your title could be modified to something that better captures the essence of your manuscript. Though “Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar” may be a striking title, it is not very relevant to your larger argument.

Once again, we would like to commend you for your dedication and efforts on this manuscript. It is obvious that you have spent a great amount of time piecing it together and polishing it to create a very compelling argument. Thank you again for submitting your manuscript to Commonplace. Best of luck.

Sincerely,

31A

Best group ever!!!

Title: Thomas Jefferson is a Liar
From: 31A
Date:11/18/2010
Decision: Revise and Resubmit


Dear Author,
We greatly appreciate the opportunity to review your manuscript, “Thomas Jefferson is a Liar.” You argue that men should have equal say in whether a baby that they fathered should be born or not. As evidence, you provide examples from Dr. Author Shostak, a Professor of Sociology at Drexel University, ad well as quotes from the Declaration of Independence. Although the topic you chose and the argument you make fulfills the timely, relevant, and compelling requirement, we cannot recommend your manuscript for several reasons:
1. We feel that the most important and apparent reason for our decision is the tone you use in your manuscript. You alienate youre audience throughout your paper, instantly erasing half of the possible audience. Women would most likely stop reading by the beginning of the second paragraph because of your aggressive argument towards them. Some of youre points are undoubtedly valid, however the way you present them in many cases seems offensive towards women rather than constructive. For instance, the sarcastic manner in which you discuss how a woman is inpregnated is inappropriate because you downplay the intelligence of the entire gender of women by assuming that they are unaware it takes a male and female to procreate. We recommend that you rephrase instances like this, perhaps saying something like “It is a known fact that it takes both a male sperm and female egg to create human life, so why is it that only the female gets a say on whether an unborn child lives or dies?” Similarly, in the situation you depict in which a male picks up a female and they have unprotected sex, you make sure to tell of how the woman assured the male that everything would be ok and she was on birth control. If you want to keep this argument, we would recommend not blaming the situation on the deciet of the female saying she was on birth control but rather stating that the birth control somehow failed. That is a much less offensive way to give a possible situation.
2. Though the evidence you include about the study done is effective, it is not enough to support your entire argument. We recommend finding more studies done and more evidence that there are long term effects of men not getting an equal choice on whether a baby is born or not. For instance, include how young, unmarried parents struggle to support the child. This would be extremely effective because we feel people will show a lot more compassion for your argument if the well-being of the child is considered. Finally, make sure you include situations that aren’t just casual sex. We thought that a rape victim would be an obvious situation in which youre argument does not apply.
Though we gave you many suggestions about youre manuscript, we feel that you do present some pretty good points that have strong evidence supporting them. You take a very unique stance on the issue and that makes it extremely compelling. If you revise some of these issues and resubmit we feel you would have a much better chance of being published on Commonplace.

Title: Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar
From: xxxxx
Date: 11/18/10
Decision: Accept With Minor Revisions

Dear Author:
Thank you very much for letting our group review your commonplace manuscript, “Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar”. We think that your manuscript is timely, compelling, and relevant. We all enjoyed reading your manuscript from the entertainment factor that your paper has.

Structure: It is quite good, except for a few exceptions. The title we think is inappropriate for what your paper is trying to convey. Although rights that this former politian have stated are affiliated with the message of your manuscript, a more fitting title such as “Abortion From The Male’s Perspective” would be more appropriate. You can, however, still use the opening paragraph argument because it ties so well into the general consensus of your paper. In addition, the use of the retorical questions in the second paragraph are very effective in supporting your claim. The retorical question “Therefore, why is it that the woiman has the only say in the unborn child’s destiny?”. We believe that you should keep these types of questions in your paper for accomplishing your message.

Content: The content is very strong in most areas, weak in other areas. Sentence stucture and slang do not need to be in the content, unless you are quoting someone. Some of the detail in the fourth paragraph is unnecessary and slang based. Saying the phrase “laughing it up” is not a great way of getting your message across in this particular manuscript. The content other than this aspect is spectacular. The idea of seeing abortion through a man’s perspective is quite compelling and interesting. Few people dare to venture into the “waters” of this subject, especially from a man’s perspective.

Style: The style of this paper is great. Other than the fourth paragraph, the essay flows quite nicely. I think that the opening paragraph ties great into the rest of the paper. The reflection at the end of the paper is also well done. It is also quite nice to read an essay that uses a “college” vocabulary effectively in order to appeal more to a college audience.

Again, this is a very interesting and compelling manuscript. We hope that you can use these suggestions as a basis to make your paper even better than before!
Sincerely,
xxxxx

Step Four: A Peer Review

Title: Thomas Jefferson is a Liar

Date: 11/18/2010

Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

After surveying the work that you submitted, we have found many timely, relevant, and compelling issues within its context. Although we find the issue at hand to be a controversial (and thus very relevant and compelling), we feel as if the argument that you are presenting has some minor flaws and that resubmission of the essay would benefit you as a Commonplace writer.

1. We enjoyed how you linked Thomas Jefferson and the American Declaration of Independence’s claim to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” We feel as if it brings a unique perspective toward a controversial issue. However, we have found some discrepancies in the presentation of this argument throughout the essay. For example, in the first paragraph, you quoted “When it comes to abortion, men are not equal and they have no rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” ; in the fourth paragraph where you describe the party scenario, however, the absolute words such as “not equal” and “no rights” change into words such as “limited” and “questionable.” Solidifying this counter-argument further and using it to help your main purpose will help make the work more convincing to your audience and in turn, make it more relevant.

2. Throughout the essay, we felt as if the tone was very strongly pro-male and seemed to be accusatory in nature. Make sure you take into account the other side of the argument. For example: What about the woman who is carrying the child? Are all men really responsible? Showing knowledge of the other side of the argument will increase your ethos and make the work more compelling for the whole Commonplace audience.

Even with these structural and sentence revisions and suggestions, we feel as if the essay as a whole is a good essay, but with revising and reviewing, it can be a great essay. By revising the tone and the central argument of the essay, you can make it more timely, relevant, and compelling.

Sincerely,

{Peer Review Group}

Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar Group Memo

Title: Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar
Date: 11/18/10
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

Many thanks for the chance to review your manuscript, “Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar.” You argue that men don’t have any say in abortion and “when it comes to abortion, men are not equal and they have no rights to life, liberty, and/or the pursuit of happiness.” Although your argument is timely and deals with a pressing issue, we cannot recommend your manuscript for the following reasons:

1. Most importantly we have a concern with your tone throughout the manuscript and believe it is not tone-appropriate. In your manuscript you wrote, “so why let the government and women steal your right away as the father of the unborn and not having a say?” Instead of alienating women and the government, expand on your previous sentence where you labeled the men as “responsible” and implore them to take charge of the situation as opposed to defaming women. Doing this would make your tone more appropriate because it would change your tone from anti-women to pro-men.

2. One of the potential strong suits of your essay is its informal nature. Therefore we believe you should decide to keep the manuscript either completely informal or formal throughout. For instance you jump from an entirely formal first paragraph to a more informal second paragraph. The syntax and usage of rhetorical questions like “is it that two people lay down, roll around, and magically the women gets pregnant?” create an informal tone. Furthermore your usages of such vernacular like “hmmm” and “cause” may detract from your overall credibility.

Sincerely,
31A

Revise and Resubmit

Title: Thomas Jefferson Is a Liar
Date: 11/18/2010
Decision: Revise and Resubmit

Dear Author:

The three of us take your argument as how men should have as much decision as a woman has when it comes to abortion. You provided logical evidence like how a woman becomes pregnant only when her egg is met by a man's sperm which causes "high level of anxiety and stress" for a man (those who had no say) after engaging in an abortion. There is also the hypothetical but very common scenario of a man and woman hooking up in a bar along with the events that follow. Your essay is definitely on the track of becoming published, but the main thing holding it back is lack of a better execution. Here's why:

1. Makes a compelling argument and provides good relevance. How a woman's egg is met by a man's sperm is unarguable, and no one can disagree with how there's two people involved. Your tone itself makes the essay conversational, easy to follow, and compelling.

2. We all thought the title was irrelevant towards the essay as a whole, tricking us much like an infomerical on television. Thomas Jefferson did not fit into the essay; he only played a role in the first paragraph. Did he really mean to lie to us?

It was a very interesting point of view, however, we just feel you need to work on solidifying your argument, such as explaining how we can challenge it. We hope you use some of these suggestions to strengthen your argument in your manuscript where it can hopefully be chosen as a commonplace example. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Your conscience

Using the "Comments" button, post the titles of the three Commonplace articles you read, before November 04, 2010 (Thursday).